the greatest dad jokes that are actually funny

What do you call a poor Santa Claus? ‘St. Nickel-less.’

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie? ‘Sofishticated.’

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? ‘Pilgrims.’

How does dry skin affect you at work? ‘You don’t have any elbow grease to put into it.’

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Have you heard about the chocolate record player? It sounds pretty sweet.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean? ‘Because if they flew over the bay, we’d call them bagels.’

How does the moon cut his hair? ‘Eclipse it.’

What did the zero say to the eight? ‘That belt looks good on you.’

Where do fruits go on vacation? ‘Pear-is!’

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn? ‘Where’s Pop Corn?’

What does a sprinter eat before a race? ‘Nothing, they fast!’

What has more letters than the alphabet? ‘The post office!’

I’m afraid for the calendar. Its days are numbered.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing? ‘In case they get a hole in one!’

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? ‘They’re both Paris sites.’

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow? ‘You follow the fresh prints.’

I thought the dryer was shrinking my clothes. Turns out it was the refrigerator all along.

What do you call a factory that makes okay products? ‘A satisfactory.’

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? ‘Supplies!’

What did the ocean say to the beach? ‘Nothing, it just waved.’

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know y.

What did one wall say to the other? ‘I’ll meet you at the corner.’

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘Hey, bartender. I’ll have one beer and a mop.’

I asked my dog what’s two minus two. He said nothing.

What’s the best thing about Switzerland? ‘I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.’

Where do you learn to make a banana split? ‘Sundae school.’

Dad, did you get a haircut? ‘No, I got them all cut!’

I used to be addicted to soap, but I’m clean now.

You think swimming with sharks is expensive? Swimming with sharks cost me an arm and a leg.

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I’ll let you know…

That car looks nice but the muffler seems exhausted.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda. It was more of a fanta sea.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s okay, he woke up.

I once got fired from a canned juice company. Apparently I couldn’t concentrate.

Have you ever tried to catch a fog? I tried yesterday but I mist.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.

How do you make a Kleenex dance? Put a little boogie in it!

Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the ‘no-bell’ prize.

I used to hate facial hair…but then it grew on me.

I had a neck brace fitted years ago and I’ve never looked back since.

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

A guy walks into a bar… and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

Do you wanna box for your leftovers? ‘No, but I’ll wrestle you for them.’

Shout out to my fingers. I can count on all of them.

What country’s capital is growing the fastest? ‘Ireland. Every day it’s Dublin.’

Did you know corduroy pillows are in style? They’re making headlines.

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Sorry, we don’t serve food here.’

I used to play piano by ear. Now I use my hands.

I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.

I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!

I’ve got a great joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

I decided to sell my vacuum cleaner—it was just gathering dust!

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

Why can’t you hear a psychiatrist using the bathroom? Because the ‘P’ is silent.