dad jokes funny for kids

I just found out I’m colorblind. The news came out of the orange!

Did you hear that laughing too loudly is illegal in Hawaii? They only permit a-low-ha.

I hate my job — all I do is crush cans all day. It’s soda pressing.

Mom keeps asking why I have so much candy. She doesn’t know I always keep a few Twix up my sleeve.

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet — it was clogged.

If a pig loses its voice, does it become disgruntled?

I love dad jokes, but I don’t have kids, which makes me a Faux Pa.

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet — I just don’t know y.

My dream job is to clean mirrors, because I can really see myself doing that.

I lost 25% of my roof last night…oof.

I don’t trust stairs. They’re always up to something.

RIP, boiling water. You will be mist.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third guy ducked.

Two peanuts went walking down the street. One was assaulted.

I’m so good at sleeping that I can do it with my eyes closed!

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was like, 0mg.

Mom said I should do lunges to stay in shape. That would be a big step forward.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Every time I take my dog to the park, the ducks try to bite him. That’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.

6:30 is my favorite time of day, hands down.

Whenever you get a bad sausage, it’s just the wurst.

My dog is a genius. I asked him, “What’s two minus two?” He said nothing.

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.

I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet.

Mom texted me to say our Italian restaurant is out of pasta, and now we’re penneless.

Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

Most people can’t tell the difference between entomology and etymology. I can’t find the words for how much this bugs me.

A magician was walking down the street — then he turned into a store.

We’re renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story.

I’m reading an anti-gravity book, and I just can’t put it down!

At first, I thought my chiropractor wasn’t any good, but now I stand corrected.

My toddler is refusing to nap. He’s guilty of resisting a rest.

I used to be able to play piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.

I failed my calculus exam because I was sitting in the middle of identical twins — I couldn’t differentiate between them.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days. I said it must be my weekend immune system.

Every night, I have hard time remembering something, but then it dawns on me.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.

I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. Then it hit me.

My therapist told me I have problems expressing my emotions. Can’t say I’m surprised.

I just paid $100 for a belt that doesn’t fit — what a huge waist!

Bigfoot is sometimes confused for Sasquatch — Yeti never complains.

A guy walked into a bar, and lost the limbo contest.

I ordered a chicken and an egg online. I’ll let you know what comes first.

I decided to sell the vacuum cleaner — it was just gathering dust!

Mom says I have no sense of direction, so I packed my bags and right.

Mom is mad at me because she asked me to sync her phone, so I threw it in the ocean.

I can tell when you’re lying just by looking at you. I can also tell when you’re standing.

Mom asked me to put ketchup on the grocery list, and now I can’t read what else is on it.

My friend couldn’t pay his water bill, so I sent him a “get well soon” card

Lance isn’t that common a name these days, but in medieval times, they were called lance-a-lot.

I want to name my puppies Rolex and Timex so I can have watch dogs.

I have a joke about putting in a light bulb, but I’m afraid I’ll screw it up.

I have a joke about banking, but I lost interest.

I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head.

I have a joke about construction, but I’m still working on it.

I have a joke about being an electrician, but it’s too shocking.

I have a joke about a broken pencil, but it’s pointless.

I have a joke about statistics, but it’s not significant.

I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old.

I have a joke about trickle-down economics, but 99% of you will never get it.

I have a joke about being a rejected organ donor, but I just don’t have the guts to tell it.

I have a few jokes about retired people, but none of them work.

I have a joke about nepotism, but I’ll only give it to my kids.

I have a joke about a roof, but it would just go over your head.

I have a joke about procrastination, but I’ll tell it to you later.

To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. I have contacts.

To the person who stole my limbo stick: That was a new low.

To the person who stole my bed: I won’t rest until I find you.

To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I hope you can’t sleep at night.

To the person who stole my diary and then died: My thoughts are with your family.

I can tolerate algebra, maybe even a little calculus but geometry is where I draw the line.

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows — they’re making headlines!

I was once a personal trainer, until I gave a too-weak notice.

I finally watched that documentary on clocks. It was about time.

Your mom and I let astrology get between us. It just Taurus apart.

I wanted to eat a watch for lunch, but it was too time-consuming.

It’s raining cats and dogs, so be careful not to step in a poodle.

My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home!

If money doesn’t grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

I’d avoid the sushi if I were you — it’s a little fishy!

I was going to go on an expensive vacation with a classical pianist, but he was too baroque.

Can anyone tell me what oblivious means, because I have no idea.

Does anybody know where a dad can find a person to talk to and hang out with? Asking for a friend.

After dinner Mom asked if I could clear the table. I needed a running start, but I made it.

I love telling Dad jokes. Sometimes, he even laughs.

I have a joke about chemistry, but I don’t think it’ll get a reaction.

I have a joke about cows, but I don’t want to milk it.

I have a scary joke about math, but I’m 2² to say it.

I have a joke about time travel, but you guys didn’t get it.

I have a joke about hunting for fossils, but you probably wouldn’t dig it.

I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you don’t get it.

I have a joke about pizza, but it’s too cheesy.

I have a joke about paper, but it’s tearable.

I have a joke about drilling, but it’s boring.

I had a joke about canned juice, but I couldn’t concentrate.

I have a joke about a broken clock, but it’s not the right time.

I have a joke about butter, but I’m not going to spread it.

I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it’s not very good.

To the person stole my laptop with my copy of Microsoft Office on it: I will find you. You have my Word!

To the person who stole my place in line: I’m after you now.

To the person who stole my dictionary: I have no words.

To the person who stole my depression medication: I hope you’re happy now.

To the person who stole my power steering: I just can’t handle it.